This is panic 5 - medication

I mentioned this very briefly in one of my other posts but I wanted to go into greater detail about it after I saw something the other day.

I was reading a website and some unrelated counselling leaflets about encouraging patients and medical professionals about the choices regarding treatments for anxiety conditions. There has (to me at any rate) always been something of a stigma about some conditions where the answer is to dope people up and that'll make them ok again. Well...no that doesn't work and nobody with any sort of mental condition is a stock case.

The thing to remember is that choice includes taking medication for your problem. If it was something else wrong with you, like taking tablets for a problem with your leg then loads of people probably wouldn't even care but because it's medication to affect your brain, people freak out a bit. So what I want to do is give you an honest account of what medication did to me.

In December 2007, I hit crisis point. I was having a few attacks a day coupled with constant burping as well as having a cold. I tried to grit my teeth through it as best I could because I wanted to not be controlled by the attacks. Then one morning I was awake at 6am and in the space of 5 seconds, I burped, farted and had to blow my nose.

It was at that point I knew that I needed to do something.

I called in sick to work saying that I needed to sort myself out and I was putting my health above them and because like an arse I wasn't registered with a doctor at the time, I walked to the walk in centre that I'd gone to when I'd had an attack at work, wrapped up like an Eskimo and shaking like a leaf.

The nurse there explained what she thought was wrong with me and told me to sort out a doctor. I managed to get myself sorted out and saw who is now my doctor. He listened to what I said about how I felt and I said that I'd been offered medication before (after my first attack I was offered valium, I declined) but that I felt it may help me and what he recommended.

He prescribed me paroxetine. Here's my attempt at explaining the science; Paroxetine is part of the same family of medication as Prozac known as Selective Serontonin Reuptake Inhibitors (SSRI'S). What they do is increase the amount of serotonin in your synapses in your brain and, as the popular tampon adverts taught the public, serotonin is the "happy hormone". They're not exactly happy pills per se but they help regulate your down moments if you're depressed and for panic attacks they regulate your mood to make you less angsty and remove the sensations that you have during an attack. For comic value, paroxetine has also been used to treat men who have problems with premature ejaculation...yeah, I laughed too.

Now all medications have side effects but they are different for everyone so all I can do is explain what happened to me. This is not any crackpot medical opinion. Instead it's a crackpot explanation.

There are recommended doses for the different kinds of conditions that can be treated with paroxetine and a starting dose. I was lucky to the extent that when it all came down, I never needed more than the starting dose of 20mg a day. One white round tablet no bigger than a smartie. All I can say is thank the Lord that I never was on any more than that!

The first tablet I took had an effect within a couple of minutes and it felt like I had been thrown under a bus. I was so drained it was beyond funny and I was at work during this too. Work at the time knew what was going on and they were very tollerant to their credit. The next day was a Friday luckily but after tablet 2, I started feeling really nausious to the point where I couldn't eat a full meal and I didn't for the next 3 days. Work sent me home that day. I busted my hump as much as I could but I hit the wall and my boss thanked me for my effort in spite of it all but sent me home to rest.

Over that weekend it was very tough. As the tablets started to take effect, more side effects came in. I had a really dry mouth every morning which meant I drank lots of water so I went to the toilet a lot. I had moments of fuzzy vision. They also caused a wonderful tandem of lethargy so I was tired 24/7 along with causing insomnia. I'd be tired all day, wake up at about 3am every night then be tired all day. The other real kicker was (and this is true with a lot of antidepressent medication) that your feelings of anxiety or depression can get worse initially. Now that sounds stupid I know but you're getting an initial rush of chemicals into your head so it makes sense somewhat.

The worst feeling was that so much was happening to my body in one go that there were mornings where I was scared to take that pill. That tiny little pill was the most terrifying thing on Earth.

I was really lucky that I was due to go to my mum's for a week. It meant I got to go up on Christmas Eve and spend a week just getting used to my meds and not having to do anything if I didn't want to. I knew it would be good when I got to my mum's and my desire to eat returned. I got to wake up on Christmas Day and eat Christmas dinner like a regular human. It was the greatest feeling on Earth.

Ok so that all sounds like an utter horror story but considering the progress I made, it was worth it in the end.

My attacks and anxiety lessened a lot while I was on the tablets. I quickly got into the routine of having it with breakfast every day. Yes it meant no alcohol for a good long while but it was a sacrifice I had to make. I felt able to go out and do what I wanted to do.

The real downside to my meds was I felt slightly subdued now and again, like I couldn't quite operate at full speed with the type of intensity I like to have. It's odd as those of you who know me personally know that I hate being ill and feeling like I can't be me. It's annoying as you are doing everything you normally do but it almost feels a bit in slow motion. It's not brilliant if I am honest.

Coming off the tablets was a bit of a long exercise. Due to it's nature, stopping paroxetine with no warning can lead to withdrawl symptoms so I came off it a tablet a week meaning the time without medication got longer till eventually I was on none. It was an interesting process. In the gaps where I'd not taken a tablet for a day or so, I'd feel really light headed. In fact during the first week free of meds, I was at a friend's house moving a box upstairs for them and got so light headed that I nearly fell backwards down the stairs.

That was about 9 months ago. Of course the anxiety has not gone away but I am at a point at the moment where I can say that I don't need medication to function like I did then. However it was a viable option for me at that time. Something within me chemically needed addressing to alter the balance in my head. I am happy to accept that now. I know that I am not crazy but I was ill. How do you best treat some illnesses? With medication.

Now meds are not the be all and end all of treatment for what's wrong with me and, if honest I should have started counselling alongside taking these tablets rather than getting it now so long after. I can't change that now obviously.

The thing I will say to people is don't be scared to discuss taking medication with your GP. Just because you talk about it doesn't mean you have to take it but if you think it will help you then don't be afraid. I want to get well, you do too. Even if you do pop, you can always reach a point where you feel that you can stop.