This is panic 2 - work

Originally posted to Facebook on 1st June 2009

Firstly, thanks for reading my first rambling effort and for the kind words of Liz and Karis. You are both right that this doesn't define me. However it is part of me for the time being and I think it's important for me to talk about this. If this helps me and other people understand this, me and what this can do to people, then somewhere it may help.

Working knowing you're susceptible to panic is an odd feeling. For me personally, I have had 1 attack at work. I was tired and stressed in September 2007 and in the middle of a phone call, I went. I put the phone down as I was hyperventilating and I followed the formula that I had before and ended up at the walk in centre. I noticed all of my usual triggers mid call and was off before I could really stop it.

Actually to be fair whilst stress in known to induce panic attacks, for me the nature of being busy at work actually helps you not think about it so hard. With my brain occupied with stuff at work, it means I am not worried about the things that make me panic or cause attacks. With my current role where there a lot of things to do in a day, this can be helpful but as I am quite full on and don't like leaving stuff not done, this last week I ended up exhausted which caused me to be anxious for a whole weekend.

For me that is a problem that is partially related to this. I am lucky that I have inherited my parents' work ethic which means I enjoy working hard to get the job done. The thing is that because I am so full on and perhaps because I am inclined to health related panic triggers, I am starting to wonder if my threshold for consistent and continued stressful working is lower than some people. It's hard to tell because we're all different but I went pretty flat out for about 3 weeks before my boss came to me and, in the most polite way possible told me to "bugger off". Without subjecting people to similar stresses, it's hard to tell.

The one big thing for me is actually making sure people know about my condition. Even working in a hospital as I do at the moment, I need to make sure people know what is happening to me because I need to make sure people do the right things. If you watch someone have an attack, it does look like and mirror some of the symptoms of a heart attack. The last thing I need is someone trying to give me CPR mid attack...or a defibrillator.

Honesty is the best policy and I'm not really ashamed of my condition. It's acceptance rather than pride that I feel. To be able to take steps forward, I need to know what my problem is. I am currently sitting and waiting for my referral to counseling to come through so hopefully because I am trying to be diligent about what's wrong with me, I can get to the bottom of what causes this.

I can and will always want to work and have been able to through A-levels, university and actual jobs with this because that's who I am and I like being active and doing stuff though it will always be tempered due to my issues and my stubbornness. The difference being that this problem, God willing will end one day. My desire to move forward will not.