Make it write - This is Panic in Anxious Times

As I've mentioned before, This is Panic was recently featured in the magazine Anxious Times, the quarterly magazine of national charity Anxiety UK.
A bit of backstory; I emailed Anxiety UK asking to be put on their blogroll if they had one, they asked me to write about the blog. It covers a bit of ground that's been covered before here but it serves as a good introduction to me and the idea of the blog. I hope you enjoy it


Originally published in Anxious Times issue 71, September 2009

I always start with the gory details.

I’m 25 and had my first panic attack at 17. I was in the car with my dad and my sister and I saw my face in the rear view mirror of my dad’s Vauxhall Astra and thought I was about to die. The pins and needles caused by my hyperventilating were so strong that my thumbs locked into my palms and my eyes clamped half shut. Since then I have had up times and down times. During my time living in Germany, I started having stomach issues that were linked into my anxiety and to this day when I am having an anxiety attack, I will continually burp. My triggers are health related and I am continually scared of having a heart attack, a stroke or catching meningitis to the point where I will stare at my arms to see if I have a rash.

We all find ways to cope with our anxiety conditions. Some people go for runs, some play video games, I write.

Writing was a hobby that I fell into at 15 and, now that I have this chance to examine it, it’s one of the few true solaces that I had growing up and one I still have today. No matter what I do or how hectic the day has been, there is always time to jot something down. My great uncle wrote poems in the jungles of Papua New Guinea, my fiancé writes on TV for a popular mens magazine, I do This is Panic.

This is Panic started out as a post on Facebook. One Friday in May of this year, I was off work due to a viral illness and stress and the anxiety that plagues me was fully in control of me. Out of nowhere I found myself writing a really long rambling mess as to how I was feeling and what it was that affected me. I actually felt a lot better for having done it, like I’d screamed every ounce of air from my lungs. I’d always told people that I had panic attacks but I’d never gone into so much detail.

I got a response from a variety of people in a variety of ways, many of them reminding me that whilst anxiety affects me, it doesn’t define who I am. I wanted to answer people whilst continuing to talk about the problems I was having. Work was stressing me out so I talked about work, my work ethic, how I don’t know when to stop and the effect that it all has on my anxiety. It helped me examine everything in a different light.

One thing people talk about with the internet is the chance of anonymity. You can divulge as much or as little about yourself as you want. You can even make it all up should you so choose. Not me, I wanted people to see what this was, who I was and how I felt so brutal honesty isn’t an editorial choice I make as a writer but a necessity. Honesty is the best way of being able to accept that you have a problem and helps others to understand it. It was from there that more ideas came for posts and more and more response came. I decided that I didn’t want it to just be me writing but This is Panic to be a sounding board for sufferers or friends of sufferers or professionals with a bit of handy advice to impart whilst at the same time continuing on with my writing/anything else I decide to do with the blog (I am experimenting with the idea of video posts).

I don’t expect This is Panic to be a cure all for anyone, least of all me but I know that the blog has helped me take on an objective and rational examination of myself and my condition. It’s not a replacement for professional help (and hopefully by the time this is published I will have started mine) but it’s me taking as much of a personal hand in my own care as I can.

Anything I write for This is Panic is all my own garbled thoughts and I use examples from my own life to illustrate my point. Somethings won’t work for everyone just like they don’t all work for me. If they do or don’t, I will say. I’m not trying to play at doctor or therapist but as a lot of us are in the same boat, I just want people to know that we’re not crazy and there’s tuff we can do to minimize the impact this has on us.

If asked what my plans are for the site, I’d say that I want to keep writing it and think of new ways to try and give a real person’s perspective on panic and anxiety whilst hopefully being able to publish articles from other people who want to do the same thing.

The dream is people reading it and feeling they’re not alone. For a very long time I felt very isolated with this problem. I was even once told by a doctor to “pull myself together”. I was lucky that people took the time to understand what was with me and by nature I am so social that I went looking for help. Some people are not so lucky or so social. My biggest hope is that This is Panic makes one person feel less alone and more like a human being. If that happens, it’ll be worth it.

When I am writing a blog post I try and sign off in a semi humorous way that is appropriate to what I’ve been talking about. Now whilst I inject humour into my writing, this subject isn’t a joke to me. I do not know when and if my anxiety problems will stop as I can’t see the future. I still gave minor episodes and the odd full blown attack where I am convinced that I am about to die. I am a massive dentalphobe and don’t like water on my face as I nearly drowned twice at age 4. I am scared that my children will be susceptible to this because I do.

I just want to react in the best way I can with every skill I have and I want to help end some of the preconceptions surrounding something that a lot of British people suffer from. I may not make it better but I want to make it right.