This is Panic 8 – relationships

People need people; that’s a pretty obvious statement to make. I’ve always been of the opinion that you’re not supposed to be on your own for too long a period of time in both a short or a long term sense and that includes finding someone romantically. Relationships and romance and other related bits can be a massive stress on anyone, not just anxiety sufferers and in some cases it will even cause people to have attacks when it gets that heavy. So what I’m going to do this time around is have a look at how my relationships have been affected by my anxieties and some more garbled TIP brand thinking as to what is the best way to handle stuff with finding/getting/living with that special someone and panic.

Somehow (and don’t ask me how) I’ve managed occasionally to have some female interest. I was seeing a girl at the time of my first panic attack. It found it really difficult to actually explain what had happened at the time, primarily because I wasn’t overly sure myself what had happened. That was pretty much it really. I was 17, unsure of whom I was let alone what was happening to me so I ignored it.

From there on through university it was a mish mash really of not really talking about it too heavily because it didn’t come up that much. I never felt the need to introduce myself along the lines of “Hi I’m Anthony, I’m x years old and by chance do you keep a paper bag handy as I think I could hyperventilate.” I think I told the odd one or two but certainly not all of them.

The real difference came when I went to Germany for a year as part of my course. I actually ended up having an attack inside the first couple of weeks of being there. Looking back I was living on my own for the first time in a new place with a new job teaching small kids how to speak English off the back of three days of training. The girl who I ended up seeing whilst I was there was in the room at the time and she didn’t know what to do and thought I was about to pass out/collapse/die/something not very good and at the time I wasn’t as aware of my attacks as I am now so I freaked out a bit as well.

Germany was marred a bit by panic attacks. I had a stomach problem where the valve at the top of my stomach didn’t shut properly but before I was diagnosed with it, I would burp…a lot. I’d eat at 1pm and be burping until about 4:30pm as a result and because I had no idea what was happening, I’d panic. At one point I ended up on stomach medication from my German GP and low grade antidepressants from my British GP. Taking 5 tablets a day was not my style and eventually I weaned myself off the antidepressants and eventually off the stomach tablets as well. That said from there on in, being gassy has been a symptom of my being anxious.

Time went on and I have to say that I have really struck gold at the moment. Between the end of university and meeting my fiancé, I had a few attacks, some large ones but girls I was seeing didn’t seem to understand. I may be doing them a disservice there but that was the impression that I got.

My wife to be is arguably the most tolerant woman in the world. I can hear those of you who know me personally already saying “well she’d have to be to be with you ha ha” and yes you’re all very funny. We actually started dating shortly before I hit crisis point but she had gone back to her parents’ for Christmas so I was on my own as it were for a chunk of it. I told her all of what was happening because I thought “better give her the chance to jump ship now while she still has the chance” but she was having none of it. She had experience of people in her family having anxiety problems so my attacks were nothing new to her. She knows what has to be done to calm me down or to deal with me when I am having one and she’s been present while I’ve had large attacks as well.

That’s how things are at the moment. As most of you know I have now started therapy for the first time which is a surreal experience (and one I will blog about later) which Mrs Russell to be is firmly behind. I actually went off of my own bat because I owe it to myself to be as well as I can be. I want to be a good husband and if I don’t make an effort to try and manage my condition then I don’t think I’m doing her or myself justice.

When it comes to how I handle relationships with girls (and this will work on guys too ladies because the principles are the same) I reckon the following things need thinking about:

Be honest: one which has been part of the creed of TIP as it were since the start. People close to you need to know what is wrong with you. Now I’m not saying dive overboard and tell everyone you meet that you might end up freaking out in a corner but find an ideal time in your relationship where you feel comfortable saying what you have to deal with and go from there. If whoever they are can’t handle what’s wrong with you, so be it. Whoever you are is an awesome person and you have a problem and anyone who can’t see past that is not worthy of your time and emotion.

Let people know what you do/need: If you’re on medications, let your other half know. In the unlikely event that you have an accident and end up in hospital, doctors need to know if you’re on medications so any drugs they give you don’t cause you further damage. I find it helps as well to have this on a bit of card in your wallet/purse as well in case nobody else is about but let your other half know what you take, how much and how many times a day.
Also for when you’re having an attack, let your lady/bloke know what you need to help you come back down. It’s hard to talk whilst hyperventilating so if they know that they need to get your paper bag from the bedside table and a glass of water to sip on, it’ll be better and they’re less likely to freak out and make you worse.

It’s not the be all and end all: In the introduction to TIP back in June I said “it affects us but it doesn’t define us”. That is very true and something to keep in mind. If you’re with somebody you don’t want your illness completely taking over every aspect of your life. We are all worthy of love and being loved and that is whether we have a problem with panic attacks or claustrophobia or agoraphobia or GAD or anything else. If you think you’re better single until you feel better in yourself, do it. Nobody should think any less of you. If you think you can manage an adult relationship, wonderful, more power to you but we are all not just anxiety condition sufferers. We are infinitely more than just that.

A very long one this time out and a lot to take in so feel free to let me know what you think about it all. At the end of all of this, I am very lucky to have someone who understands me and what’s wrong with me and we are all deserving of that chance but we should also not be afraid to be alone if it’s what is best for us at that time. Whether “I want to hold your hand” or “dearly beloved I can’t relate to you”, this is all in your hands, not the hands of your condition.