Hey everyone, I'm trying to space out posts a bit more so that's why there's been such a break. This post as well takes a slightly different format and look but it's because I'm more asking myself a question than what I normally do.
People call it one of the most basic instincts a human has; fight or flight. When faced with a dangerous situation and the adrenaline's pumping, do we stand our ground or run to the hills? It's a feeling that caused by the chemicals in our head and it's those chemicals that kick off when people have panic attacks.
The thing is, we must face this feeling a lot during our lives and it applies to a lot of things we do. The one thing that I want to attach it to in this case is panic attacks itself. Do you make an effort to fight them or do you let them come and deal with it that way?
I have heard people say that you should do one or the other:
People who say fight are those who want the attack to be overcome with the force of will, an attempt to talk yourself off the edge. The argument is that you should not succumb to these things that have an impact and use your energies to beat it that way.
People who say flight are those who take more of an accepting tone towards panic attacks. Panic attacks actually have little physical impact on you once they are done and on average they only last between 7 to 10 minutes from the first tinglings to a return to the normal breathing state. Also they are a bit traumatic to have as you can appreciate and if you try and fail to stop one you add that on top of it, ergo better to let it run its course.
Personally when I am having an attack it actually ends up being a bit of both. I hate having attacks. Whilst I am accepting that I do have them and I have coping mechanisms and things I do during them to make it all go smoothly, I really hate having them.
I have mentioned before that I have triggers for my attacks, most people who have attacks do. For me it'll be a twinge in my muscles or pins and needles in one of my arms. Those range from the tips of my fingers to the top of my arms. The other main trigger is when I don't catch my breath. When one of these happens I generally go into defense mode.
Defense mode for me means regulating my breathing. Pins and needles are also a side effect of hyperventilation and if you can control your breathing I have found you can ward an attack off that way. I revert back to old breathing exercises learned from singing; deep breath in for 6, hold for 2 and out for 8. If this doesn't work I normally revert to the old tried and tested method of breathing into a paper bag. By paper bag for me, I actually use a large A4 envelope. Paper bags with some level of durability are somewhat hard to come by so the envelope works really well.
The point of the bag is to actually to help even up the CO2 levels in your system. Now I have read in a few places that doing this is actually detrimental to you and you can end up passing out. Having a panic attack itself will never normally make you pass out and if I am honest I have never had any issues with a paper bag. Seeing yourself breathing is the whole point of the exercise and a part of your brain goes "oh look, I am actually breathing". How that would work with something bar a paper bag is the question. I suppose a plastic bag could technically work but no need to add to the sense of impending death with actual death.
Once the paper bag is not really being effective, at that point I let it the whole thing play out. I try and get a glass of water (with rescue remedy if possible but not always) and breath in and out of the bag until I feel that I can breath normally. I also try sometimes to get outside but I tend to move about a lot which is not what I should do and I am now better at just trying to sit down straight backed.
The moral again with all of this is to find what works for you. Ultimately you know your own body and how you react in an attack situation so don't let people enforce stuff on you in a moment like that, it could have a detrimental effect. All I will say is if you're having a period where you're having lots of attacks, be prepared and have what you need to hand. If you are prepared, it is easier to be in control.
Monday 29 June 2009
Thursday 18 June 2009
This is panic 5 - medication
I mentioned this very briefly in one of my other posts but I wanted to go into greater detail about it after I saw something the other day.
I was reading a website and some unrelated counselling leaflets about encouraging patients and medical professionals about the choices regarding treatments for anxiety conditions. There has (to me at any rate) always been something of a stigma about some conditions where the answer is to dope people up and that'll make them ok again. Well...no that doesn't work and nobody with any sort of mental condition is a stock case.
The thing to remember is that choice includes taking medication for your problem. If it was something else wrong with you, like taking tablets for a problem with your leg then loads of people probably wouldn't even care but because it's medication to affect your brain, people freak out a bit. So what I want to do is give you an honest account of what medication did to me.
In December 2007, I hit crisis point. I was having a few attacks a day coupled with constant burping as well as having a cold. I tried to grit my teeth through it as best I could because I wanted to not be controlled by the attacks. Then one morning I was awake at 6am and in the space of 5 seconds, I burped, farted and had to blow my nose.
It was at that point I knew that I needed to do something.
I called in sick to work saying that I needed to sort myself out and I was putting my health above them and because like an arse I wasn't registered with a doctor at the time, I walked to the walk in centre that I'd gone to when I'd had an attack at work, wrapped up like an Eskimo and shaking like a leaf.
The nurse there explained what she thought was wrong with me and told me to sort out a doctor. I managed to get myself sorted out and saw who is now my doctor. He listened to what I said about how I felt and I said that I'd been offered medication before (after my first attack I was offered valium, I declined) but that I felt it may help me and what he recommended.
He prescribed me paroxetine. Here's my attempt at explaining the science; Paroxetine is part of the same family of medication as Prozac known as Selective Serontonin Reuptake Inhibitors (SSRI'S). What they do is increase the amount of serotonin in your synapses in your brain and, as the popular tampon adverts taught the public, serotonin is the "happy hormone". They're not exactly happy pills per se but they help regulate your down moments if you're depressed and for panic attacks they regulate your mood to make you less angsty and remove the sensations that you have during an attack. For comic value, paroxetine has also been used to treat men who have problems with premature ejaculation...yeah, I laughed too.
Now all medications have side effects but they are different for everyone so all I can do is explain what happened to me. This is not any crackpot medical opinion. Instead it's a crackpot explanation.
There are recommended doses for the different kinds of conditions that can be treated with paroxetine and a starting dose. I was lucky to the extent that when it all came down, I never needed more than the starting dose of 20mg a day. One white round tablet no bigger than a smartie. All I can say is thank the Lord that I never was on any more than that!
The first tablet I took had an effect within a couple of minutes and it felt like I had been thrown under a bus. I was so drained it was beyond funny and I was at work during this too. Work at the time knew what was going on and they were very tollerant to their credit. The next day was a Friday luckily but after tablet 2, I started feeling really nausious to the point where I couldn't eat a full meal and I didn't for the next 3 days. Work sent me home that day. I busted my hump as much as I could but I hit the wall and my boss thanked me for my effort in spite of it all but sent me home to rest.
Over that weekend it was very tough. As the tablets started to take effect, more side effects came in. I had a really dry mouth every morning which meant I drank lots of water so I went to the toilet a lot. I had moments of fuzzy vision. They also caused a wonderful tandem of lethargy so I was tired 24/7 along with causing insomnia. I'd be tired all day, wake up at about 3am every night then be tired all day. The other real kicker was (and this is true with a lot of antidepressent medication) that your feelings of anxiety or depression can get worse initially. Now that sounds stupid I know but you're getting an initial rush of chemicals into your head so it makes sense somewhat.
The worst feeling was that so much was happening to my body in one go that there were mornings where I was scared to take that pill. That tiny little pill was the most terrifying thing on Earth.
I was really lucky that I was due to go to my mum's for a week. It meant I got to go up on Christmas Eve and spend a week just getting used to my meds and not having to do anything if I didn't want to. I knew it would be good when I got to my mum's and my desire to eat returned. I got to wake up on Christmas Day and eat Christmas dinner like a regular human. It was the greatest feeling on Earth.
Ok so that all sounds like an utter horror story but considering the progress I made, it was worth it in the end.
My attacks and anxiety lessened a lot while I was on the tablets. I quickly got into the routine of having it with breakfast every day. Yes it meant no alcohol for a good long while but it was a sacrifice I had to make. I felt able to go out and do what I wanted to do.
The real downside to my meds was I felt slightly subdued now and again, like I couldn't quite operate at full speed with the type of intensity I like to have. It's odd as those of you who know me personally know that I hate being ill and feeling like I can't be me. It's annoying as you are doing everything you normally do but it almost feels a bit in slow motion. It's not brilliant if I am honest.
Coming off the tablets was a bit of a long exercise. Due to it's nature, stopping paroxetine with no warning can lead to withdrawl symptoms so I came off it a tablet a week meaning the time without medication got longer till eventually I was on none. It was an interesting process. In the gaps where I'd not taken a tablet for a day or so, I'd feel really light headed. In fact during the first week free of meds, I was at a friend's house moving a box upstairs for them and got so light headed that I nearly fell backwards down the stairs.
That was about 9 months ago. Of course the anxiety has not gone away but I am at a point at the moment where I can say that I don't need medication to function like I did then. However it was a viable option for me at that time. Something within me chemically needed addressing to alter the balance in my head. I am happy to accept that now. I know that I am not crazy but I was ill. How do you best treat some illnesses? With medication.
Now meds are not the be all and end all of treatment for what's wrong with me and, if honest I should have started counselling alongside taking these tablets rather than getting it now so long after. I can't change that now obviously.
The thing I will say to people is don't be scared to discuss taking medication with your GP. Just because you talk about it doesn't mean you have to take it but if you think it will help you then don't be afraid. I want to get well, you do too. Even if you do pop, you can always reach a point where you feel that you can stop.
I was reading a website and some unrelated counselling leaflets about encouraging patients and medical professionals about the choices regarding treatments for anxiety conditions. There has (to me at any rate) always been something of a stigma about some conditions where the answer is to dope people up and that'll make them ok again. Well...no that doesn't work and nobody with any sort of mental condition is a stock case.
The thing to remember is that choice includes taking medication for your problem. If it was something else wrong with you, like taking tablets for a problem with your leg then loads of people probably wouldn't even care but because it's medication to affect your brain, people freak out a bit. So what I want to do is give you an honest account of what medication did to me.
In December 2007, I hit crisis point. I was having a few attacks a day coupled with constant burping as well as having a cold. I tried to grit my teeth through it as best I could because I wanted to not be controlled by the attacks. Then one morning I was awake at 6am and in the space of 5 seconds, I burped, farted and had to blow my nose.
It was at that point I knew that I needed to do something.
I called in sick to work saying that I needed to sort myself out and I was putting my health above them and because like an arse I wasn't registered with a doctor at the time, I walked to the walk in centre that I'd gone to when I'd had an attack at work, wrapped up like an Eskimo and shaking like a leaf.
The nurse there explained what she thought was wrong with me and told me to sort out a doctor. I managed to get myself sorted out and saw who is now my doctor. He listened to what I said about how I felt and I said that I'd been offered medication before (after my first attack I was offered valium, I declined) but that I felt it may help me and what he recommended.
He prescribed me paroxetine. Here's my attempt at explaining the science; Paroxetine is part of the same family of medication as Prozac known as Selective Serontonin Reuptake Inhibitors (SSRI'S). What they do is increase the amount of serotonin in your synapses in your brain and, as the popular tampon adverts taught the public, serotonin is the "happy hormone". They're not exactly happy pills per se but they help regulate your down moments if you're depressed and for panic attacks they regulate your mood to make you less angsty and remove the sensations that you have during an attack. For comic value, paroxetine has also been used to treat men who have problems with premature ejaculation...yeah, I laughed too.
Now all medications have side effects but they are different for everyone so all I can do is explain what happened to me. This is not any crackpot medical opinion. Instead it's a crackpot explanation.
There are recommended doses for the different kinds of conditions that can be treated with paroxetine and a starting dose. I was lucky to the extent that when it all came down, I never needed more than the starting dose of 20mg a day. One white round tablet no bigger than a smartie. All I can say is thank the Lord that I never was on any more than that!
The first tablet I took had an effect within a couple of minutes and it felt like I had been thrown under a bus. I was so drained it was beyond funny and I was at work during this too. Work at the time knew what was going on and they were very tollerant to their credit. The next day was a Friday luckily but after tablet 2, I started feeling really nausious to the point where I couldn't eat a full meal and I didn't for the next 3 days. Work sent me home that day. I busted my hump as much as I could but I hit the wall and my boss thanked me for my effort in spite of it all but sent me home to rest.
Over that weekend it was very tough. As the tablets started to take effect, more side effects came in. I had a really dry mouth every morning which meant I drank lots of water so I went to the toilet a lot. I had moments of fuzzy vision. They also caused a wonderful tandem of lethargy so I was tired 24/7 along with causing insomnia. I'd be tired all day, wake up at about 3am every night then be tired all day. The other real kicker was (and this is true with a lot of antidepressent medication) that your feelings of anxiety or depression can get worse initially. Now that sounds stupid I know but you're getting an initial rush of chemicals into your head so it makes sense somewhat.
The worst feeling was that so much was happening to my body in one go that there were mornings where I was scared to take that pill. That tiny little pill was the most terrifying thing on Earth.
I was really lucky that I was due to go to my mum's for a week. It meant I got to go up on Christmas Eve and spend a week just getting used to my meds and not having to do anything if I didn't want to. I knew it would be good when I got to my mum's and my desire to eat returned. I got to wake up on Christmas Day and eat Christmas dinner like a regular human. It was the greatest feeling on Earth.
Ok so that all sounds like an utter horror story but considering the progress I made, it was worth it in the end.
My attacks and anxiety lessened a lot while I was on the tablets. I quickly got into the routine of having it with breakfast every day. Yes it meant no alcohol for a good long while but it was a sacrifice I had to make. I felt able to go out and do what I wanted to do.
The real downside to my meds was I felt slightly subdued now and again, like I couldn't quite operate at full speed with the type of intensity I like to have. It's odd as those of you who know me personally know that I hate being ill and feeling like I can't be me. It's annoying as you are doing everything you normally do but it almost feels a bit in slow motion. It's not brilliant if I am honest.
Coming off the tablets was a bit of a long exercise. Due to it's nature, stopping paroxetine with no warning can lead to withdrawl symptoms so I came off it a tablet a week meaning the time without medication got longer till eventually I was on none. It was an interesting process. In the gaps where I'd not taken a tablet for a day or so, I'd feel really light headed. In fact during the first week free of meds, I was at a friend's house moving a box upstairs for them and got so light headed that I nearly fell backwards down the stairs.
That was about 9 months ago. Of course the anxiety has not gone away but I am at a point at the moment where I can say that I don't need medication to function like I did then. However it was a viable option for me at that time. Something within me chemically needed addressing to alter the balance in my head. I am happy to accept that now. I know that I am not crazy but I was ill. How do you best treat some illnesses? With medication.
Now meds are not the be all and end all of treatment for what's wrong with me and, if honest I should have started counselling alongside taking these tablets rather than getting it now so long after. I can't change that now obviously.
The thing I will say to people is don't be scared to discuss taking medication with your GP. Just because you talk about it doesn't mean you have to take it but if you think it will help you then don't be afraid. I want to get well, you do too. Even if you do pop, you can always reach a point where you feel that you can stop.
Saturday 13 June 2009
This is Panic Update 13/06/09
Hey guys and girls, just a quick update on a couple of bits regarding what's coming soon in the blog, some outside bits and pieces and your involvement in TIP.
Blog posts to come
Upcoming stuff in This is Panic itself will see posts on relationships of the romantic kind, God, family (both my own and the one I intend to have, this may be one, possibly two). Thee's no set order at the moment as to what will come next, it's more how the mood takes me.
When I start my counseling I may incorporate thoughts of that into the original TIP series or I may start a different series for it. That's as yet undecided so please let me know your thoughts on that.
Outside Interests
Obviously thanks to those of you who have taken to the time to read the first 4 posts and luckily others seem to like it as well. A couple of emails flying around has resulted in me being asked to write about TIP for an anxiety focused publication read by sufferers and medical professionals alike. I'll give out more details on that as and when the article is written and published in the magazine.
Audience Participation
In the introduction to This is Panic, I said I wanted people out there to get involved so this is me mentioning this again and there's a couple of ways you can do that:
* Write something as a guest writer for the blog:
Now you may have already done this on your own blog or you might want to write something totally new. Either is cool. I can't pay you sadly (I don't do this for money) but if you send me something and a link to your blog or the original post then you'll get full credit. I believe in everyone getting full credit for what they write. If editing is required then we'll discuss it first. I will never publish edited work before discussing it with the author.
* Ideas for links
If you have ideas for links to sites that may be interesting to people then let me know. I'll post the link on the blog. The only thing I will say is no publicity for your own blog this way; if you want to publicise your blog then I'd ask you to write something please.
* What do you want to see?
I am one guy and my brain will only go so far. If you want the blog to address any points or topics at all that I have missed then say. I'm not a pro or anything so I need help as to where to go from time to time and I want to address all aspects of this. I said that I love the intake of information so the more I have to do the better I think.
Thanks guys, part 5 coming sometime next week probably.
Blog posts to come
Upcoming stuff in This is Panic itself will see posts on relationships of the romantic kind, God, family (both my own and the one I intend to have, this may be one, possibly two). Thee's no set order at the moment as to what will come next, it's more how the mood takes me.
When I start my counseling I may incorporate thoughts of that into the original TIP series or I may start a different series for it. That's as yet undecided so please let me know your thoughts on that.
Outside Interests
Obviously thanks to those of you who have taken to the time to read the first 4 posts and luckily others seem to like it as well. A couple of emails flying around has resulted in me being asked to write about TIP for an anxiety focused publication read by sufferers and medical professionals alike. I'll give out more details on that as and when the article is written and published in the magazine.
Audience Participation
In the introduction to This is Panic, I said I wanted people out there to get involved so this is me mentioning this again and there's a couple of ways you can do that:
* Write something as a guest writer for the blog:
Now you may have already done this on your own blog or you might want to write something totally new. Either is cool. I can't pay you sadly (I don't do this for money) but if you send me something and a link to your blog or the original post then you'll get full credit. I believe in everyone getting full credit for what they write. If editing is required then we'll discuss it first. I will never publish edited work before discussing it with the author.
* Ideas for links
If you have ideas for links to sites that may be interesting to people then let me know. I'll post the link on the blog. The only thing I will say is no publicity for your own blog this way; if you want to publicise your blog then I'd ask you to write something please.
* What do you want to see?
I am one guy and my brain will only go so far. If you want the blog to address any points or topics at all that I have missed then say. I'm not a pro or anything so I need help as to where to go from time to time and I want to address all aspects of this. I said that I love the intake of information so the more I have to do the better I think.
Thanks guys, part 5 coming sometime next week probably.
Wednesday 10 June 2009
This is Panic 4 - sleep and relaxation
I had a random thought that sleep almost seems out of fashion in some circles. We live in a world with 24 hour everything where we're almost encouraged to just keep going and going. For me though sleep really has a place. Being over tired makes me more susceptible to attacks which means proper sleep and being able to relax is important. Does this always work? Yes and no.
It's possibly anxiety related, possibly not but I really struggle to switch off at the end of the day. My brain seems to live at 100 meters/second and I have a love for learning and obtaining information. Then again, look at me; I speak and read English and German fluently as well as basic Dutch. I taught myself how to fix basic computer issues. I can quote most of all 8 series of That 70s Show but if you ask me to turn off completely? If I'm honest, I'm not sure it would work.
When speaking to my doctor recently he asked me "do you worry?" On the whole I have many concerns about the world. Anyone who knows me will probably agree with me when I say that I give a damn. Some will say possibly too much and that I shouldn't try to right every wrong. The issue for any of us is to find a balance. (I seem to be saying that a lot recently) and I seem to be able to sleep knowing that people are suffering in the world. The real switching off issue for all of us occurs in our personal lives, the issues that we can't escape and this is where the overlap with the sleep issue comes with regards to my anxiety.
OK so none of you really need lessons from me as to why we need sleep but if we can't sleep because of anxiety or because we can't relax properly or for any other reason then it will really mess you up.
I generally have always managed to sleep well and have less episodes at night than during the day but when I have episodes at night it can become a bit of a cycle. I am over tired and can't switch off so I worry so I don't sleep so I get over tired.
When I can't sleep like this it can be really scary, possibly more so than during a day time episode. For me its because I know what I am meant to be doing (i.e. sleep) but can't do it. In a night time anxiety attack, the gambit ranges from really mild to feeling "if I shut my eyes then I won't be opening them again."
Now I hope you never experience that feeling but it has happened to me before. The annoying thing is that right now, I can reason it out; I am nearly 25 years old and bar something really out of the blue I will not die in my sleep but in that moment, reason doesn't apply. All you have is an impending sense of your own demise. That is all you feel.
As I said these night time attacks have happened to me before and I have my own coping mechanisms that I find helpful:
* Take your mind off it - I mentioned in a previous post that I cease to worry when my mind is on other things. Now obviously at 2am you don't want to put on Lord of the Rings and zone out but a short rest bite is good. You Tube has lots of stuff on it or I use my personal favourites www.thatguywiththeglasses.com, www.spoonyexperiment.com and www.cinemassacre.com
If the net is not accessible then maybe an episode of something on a dvd. Loads of American shows are 20 mins if you remove the ads so it's a good length of time to chill out in. Remember, you can't hyperventilate and laugh!
* Drink something soothing - NOT ALCOHOL! As wussy as it may sound to you guys, herbal teas work. Peppermint and camomile are really good for bad nerves. If you don't like tea then warm milk in the microwave for 2 mins and add honey. That or a cool glass of water. Don't chug it though, remember to sip slowly.
* Rescue Remedy - I actually think this stuff does work and it's available in Superdrug so it's easily available. It may be all in my head but I can feel myself calmer having taken it. I'll say this though, don't over use it. It'll lose it's effect and become a habit that every time you have an attack you'll reach for it which isn't good. Rescue Remedy is always my last resort when having an attack.
Now that's how I work and the best thing to do is to find what works for you. That said these ideas really have worked for me so I highly recommend them. Finding what works for you can take a while but it's really worth it.
These, as ever, are my foibles so I can't speak for anyone else and in terms of its frequency it's minor but the impact they have on me and my health is major. I need to work on my relaxation techniques and trust me, when my councilling starts it's the first thing I'll be mentioning but at least when my sleep suffers I have methods to counteract what is happening. It's all part of the process.
Sweet dreams everyone.
It's possibly anxiety related, possibly not but I really struggle to switch off at the end of the day. My brain seems to live at 100 meters/second and I have a love for learning and obtaining information. Then again, look at me; I speak and read English and German fluently as well as basic Dutch. I taught myself how to fix basic computer issues. I can quote most of all 8 series of That 70s Show but if you ask me to turn off completely? If I'm honest, I'm not sure it would work.
When speaking to my doctor recently he asked me "do you worry?" On the whole I have many concerns about the world. Anyone who knows me will probably agree with me when I say that I give a damn. Some will say possibly too much and that I shouldn't try to right every wrong. The issue for any of us is to find a balance. (I seem to be saying that a lot recently) and I seem to be able to sleep knowing that people are suffering in the world. The real switching off issue for all of us occurs in our personal lives, the issues that we can't escape and this is where the overlap with the sleep issue comes with regards to my anxiety.
OK so none of you really need lessons from me as to why we need sleep but if we can't sleep because of anxiety or because we can't relax properly or for any other reason then it will really mess you up.
I generally have always managed to sleep well and have less episodes at night than during the day but when I have episodes at night it can become a bit of a cycle. I am over tired and can't switch off so I worry so I don't sleep so I get over tired.
When I can't sleep like this it can be really scary, possibly more so than during a day time episode. For me its because I know what I am meant to be doing (i.e. sleep) but can't do it. In a night time anxiety attack, the gambit ranges from really mild to feeling "if I shut my eyes then I won't be opening them again."
Now I hope you never experience that feeling but it has happened to me before. The annoying thing is that right now, I can reason it out; I am nearly 25 years old and bar something really out of the blue I will not die in my sleep but in that moment, reason doesn't apply. All you have is an impending sense of your own demise. That is all you feel.
As I said these night time attacks have happened to me before and I have my own coping mechanisms that I find helpful:
* Take your mind off it - I mentioned in a previous post that I cease to worry when my mind is on other things. Now obviously at 2am you don't want to put on Lord of the Rings and zone out but a short rest bite is good. You Tube has lots of stuff on it or I use my personal favourites www.thatguywiththeglasses.com, www.spoonyexperiment.com and www.cinemassacre.com
If the net is not accessible then maybe an episode of something on a dvd. Loads of American shows are 20 mins if you remove the ads so it's a good length of time to chill out in. Remember, you can't hyperventilate and laugh!
* Drink something soothing - NOT ALCOHOL! As wussy as it may sound to you guys, herbal teas work. Peppermint and camomile are really good for bad nerves. If you don't like tea then warm milk in the microwave for 2 mins and add honey. That or a cool glass of water. Don't chug it though, remember to sip slowly.
* Rescue Remedy - I actually think this stuff does work and it's available in Superdrug so it's easily available. It may be all in my head but I can feel myself calmer having taken it. I'll say this though, don't over use it. It'll lose it's effect and become a habit that every time you have an attack you'll reach for it which isn't good. Rescue Remedy is always my last resort when having an attack.
Now that's how I work and the best thing to do is to find what works for you. That said these ideas really have worked for me so I highly recommend them. Finding what works for you can take a while but it's really worth it.
These, as ever, are my foibles so I can't speak for anyone else and in terms of its frequency it's minor but the impact they have on me and my health is major. I need to work on my relaxation techniques and trust me, when my councilling starts it's the first thing I'll be mentioning but at least when my sleep suffers I have methods to counteract what is happening. It's all part of the process.
Sweet dreams everyone.
Sunday 7 June 2009
This is panic 3 - going out
Having done living with it and working with it, there's the other really important aspect of being alive; the social aspect.
Now I personally feel I've been lucky. If you take more than a cursory glance over stuff on the internet, anxiety and panic disorders can be coupled with agoraphobia (fear of being in a setting where there's no easy means of escape and wishing to stay in a safe place). Being agoraphobic means people won't leave the house as they won't feel safe away from where they are safest, i.e. their own home. There was a recent story on BBC News about a woman who left the house for the first time in close to 30 years. That's what agoraphobia can do to you.
I have never been scared to leave the house. People will talk about the fight or flight reflex, I generally flee. When I have panic attacks I generally struggle to sit still unless I am forced to sit down or if I am in control enough to do it. I will generally try and get to somewhere we I have a clear point of access to the fresh air which normally means going outside.
Also as you those of you who have know me...well more than 5 minutes will know, I am a social person who has always enjoyed getting out of the house and seeing people. Also, many of you will testify to me being a somewhat twitchy person who struggles to sit still...ergo how could I stay in the house for long periods at a time without going stir crazy?
However when I do go out I do suffer from my twitches that I've mentioned before. I am more susceptible when I am very tired, overheated or incredibly overstimulated which can happen in large crowd. In large crowds if my mind switches off from my issues then I am fine. Case in point; Wembley, 80,000 people for the NFL game and I was fine. Compare that with me being in the cinema watching "The Wrestler" and the sight of Mickey Rourke's character having his heart attack caused me to have a very minor attack of my own.
When I am in town doing some shopping I am generally alright for the most part. Southampton is actually a relatively spacious town centre with no cars due to its pedestrianized nature and there's a park nearby. If I ever do get very twitchy there are many ways for me to escape the crowd and get a moment to myself.
Going out at night though has never been much of an issue for me for some reason. I think maybe it's because when you go out to a pub or club or wherever you reading this hangs out at night, you expect different things. You expect noise and crowds and heat so I think I've been able to adapt to it. The one thing that happens to me normally if I do get twitchy and I've had alcohol is I will burp...a lot. This actually happened a week or so ago (though it was coupled with me being very tired and having eaten a delicious but hard to digest dinner) and it was so bad that I was awake till 4am because I couldn't stop burping. Even if it's just a case of reflux (I've had stomach issues in the past that have been coupled to my anxiety sometimes, other times not) to be burping for close to 4 hours will make anyone anxious.
A lot of people who know about my condition do know how to handle me if we are out. A good friend of mine is a very talented qualified nurse knows what to do with me and taught me a few techniques as to what to do with myself. For example, you can't hyperventilate and laugh. So if you see me sitting down somewhere sucking out of a paper bag, tell me a joke.
The struggle goes on and please don't take it personally if I have an attack around you or while talking to you. If you really want to help, just remember, this will all pass with time. I'll get there. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go out somewhere.
Now I personally feel I've been lucky. If you take more than a cursory glance over stuff on the internet, anxiety and panic disorders can be coupled with agoraphobia (fear of being in a setting where there's no easy means of escape and wishing to stay in a safe place). Being agoraphobic means people won't leave the house as they won't feel safe away from where they are safest, i.e. their own home. There was a recent story on BBC News about a woman who left the house for the first time in close to 30 years. That's what agoraphobia can do to you.
I have never been scared to leave the house. People will talk about the fight or flight reflex, I generally flee. When I have panic attacks I generally struggle to sit still unless I am forced to sit down or if I am in control enough to do it. I will generally try and get to somewhere we I have a clear point of access to the fresh air which normally means going outside.
Also as you those of you who have know me...well more than 5 minutes will know, I am a social person who has always enjoyed getting out of the house and seeing people. Also, many of you will testify to me being a somewhat twitchy person who struggles to sit still...ergo how could I stay in the house for long periods at a time without going stir crazy?
However when I do go out I do suffer from my twitches that I've mentioned before. I am more susceptible when I am very tired, overheated or incredibly overstimulated which can happen in large crowd. In large crowds if my mind switches off from my issues then I am fine. Case in point; Wembley, 80,000 people for the NFL game and I was fine. Compare that with me being in the cinema watching "The Wrestler" and the sight of Mickey Rourke's character having his heart attack caused me to have a very minor attack of my own.
When I am in town doing some shopping I am generally alright for the most part. Southampton is actually a relatively spacious town centre with no cars due to its pedestrianized nature and there's a park nearby. If I ever do get very twitchy there are many ways for me to escape the crowd and get a moment to myself.
Going out at night though has never been much of an issue for me for some reason. I think maybe it's because when you go out to a pub or club or wherever you reading this hangs out at night, you expect different things. You expect noise and crowds and heat so I think I've been able to adapt to it. The one thing that happens to me normally if I do get twitchy and I've had alcohol is I will burp...a lot. This actually happened a week or so ago (though it was coupled with me being very tired and having eaten a delicious but hard to digest dinner) and it was so bad that I was awake till 4am because I couldn't stop burping. Even if it's just a case of reflux (I've had stomach issues in the past that have been coupled to my anxiety sometimes, other times not) to be burping for close to 4 hours will make anyone anxious.
A lot of people who know about my condition do know how to handle me if we are out. A good friend of mine is a very talented qualified nurse knows what to do with me and taught me a few techniques as to what to do with myself. For example, you can't hyperventilate and laugh. So if you see me sitting down somewhere sucking out of a paper bag, tell me a joke.
The struggle goes on and please don't take it personally if I have an attack around you or while talking to you. If you really want to help, just remember, this will all pass with time. I'll get there. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go out somewhere.
This is panic 2 - work
Originally posted to Facebook on 1st June 2009
Firstly, thanks for reading my first rambling effort and for the kind words of Liz and Karis. You are both right that this doesn't define me. However it is part of me for the time being and I think it's important for me to talk about this. If this helps me and other people understand this, me and what this can do to people, then somewhere it may help.
Working knowing you're susceptible to panic is an odd feeling. For me personally, I have had 1 attack at work. I was tired and stressed in September 2007 and in the middle of a phone call, I went. I put the phone down as I was hyperventilating and I followed the formula that I had before and ended up at the walk in centre. I noticed all of my usual triggers mid call and was off before I could really stop it.
Actually to be fair whilst stress in known to induce panic attacks, for me the nature of being busy at work actually helps you not think about it so hard. With my brain occupied with stuff at work, it means I am not worried about the things that make me panic or cause attacks. With my current role where there a lot of things to do in a day, this can be helpful but as I am quite full on and don't like leaving stuff not done, this last week I ended up exhausted which caused me to be anxious for a whole weekend.
For me that is a problem that is partially related to this. I am lucky that I have inherited my parents' work ethic which means I enjoy working hard to get the job done. The thing is that because I am so full on and perhaps because I am inclined to health related panic triggers, I am starting to wonder if my threshold for consistent and continued stressful working is lower than some people. It's hard to tell because we're all different but I went pretty flat out for about 3 weeks before my boss came to me and, in the most polite way possible told me to "bugger off". Without subjecting people to similar stresses, it's hard to tell.
The one big thing for me is actually making sure people know about my condition. Even working in a hospital as I do at the moment, I need to make sure people know what is happening to me because I need to make sure people do the right things. If you watch someone have an attack, it does look like and mirror some of the symptoms of a heart attack. The last thing I need is someone trying to give me CPR mid attack...or a defibrillator.
Honesty is the best policy and I'm not really ashamed of my condition. It's acceptance rather than pride that I feel. To be able to take steps forward, I need to know what my problem is. I am currently sitting and waiting for my referral to counseling to come through so hopefully because I am trying to be diligent about what's wrong with me, I can get to the bottom of what causes this.
I can and will always want to work and have been able to through A-levels, university and actual jobs with this because that's who I am and I like being active and doing stuff though it will always be tempered due to my issues and my stubbornness. The difference being that this problem, God willing will end one day. My desire to move forward will not.
Firstly, thanks for reading my first rambling effort and for the kind words of Liz and Karis. You are both right that this doesn't define me. However it is part of me for the time being and I think it's important for me to talk about this. If this helps me and other people understand this, me and what this can do to people, then somewhere it may help.
Working knowing you're susceptible to panic is an odd feeling. For me personally, I have had 1 attack at work. I was tired and stressed in September 2007 and in the middle of a phone call, I went. I put the phone down as I was hyperventilating and I followed the formula that I had before and ended up at the walk in centre. I noticed all of my usual triggers mid call and was off before I could really stop it.
Actually to be fair whilst stress in known to induce panic attacks, for me the nature of being busy at work actually helps you not think about it so hard. With my brain occupied with stuff at work, it means I am not worried about the things that make me panic or cause attacks. With my current role where there a lot of things to do in a day, this can be helpful but as I am quite full on and don't like leaving stuff not done, this last week I ended up exhausted which caused me to be anxious for a whole weekend.
For me that is a problem that is partially related to this. I am lucky that I have inherited my parents' work ethic which means I enjoy working hard to get the job done. The thing is that because I am so full on and perhaps because I am inclined to health related panic triggers, I am starting to wonder if my threshold for consistent and continued stressful working is lower than some people. It's hard to tell because we're all different but I went pretty flat out for about 3 weeks before my boss came to me and, in the most polite way possible told me to "bugger off". Without subjecting people to similar stresses, it's hard to tell.
The one big thing for me is actually making sure people know about my condition. Even working in a hospital as I do at the moment, I need to make sure people know what is happening to me because I need to make sure people do the right things. If you watch someone have an attack, it does look like and mirror some of the symptoms of a heart attack. The last thing I need is someone trying to give me CPR mid attack...or a defibrillator.
Honesty is the best policy and I'm not really ashamed of my condition. It's acceptance rather than pride that I feel. To be able to take steps forward, I need to know what my problem is. I am currently sitting and waiting for my referral to counseling to come through so hopefully because I am trying to be diligent about what's wrong with me, I can get to the bottom of what causes this.
I can and will always want to work and have been able to through A-levels, university and actual jobs with this because that's who I am and I like being active and doing stuff though it will always be tempered due to my issues and my stubbornness. The difference being that this problem, God willing will end one day. My desire to move forward will not.
This is panic
This is the original post from 29th May 2009
Panic and anxiety is part of who I am. I do not intend it to be this way forever but I want to explain what this is.
It is the part of me that when you look at me is afraid. I suffer from a feeling that I will drop down dead of a heart attack or a stroke or that I will catch meningitis or I will stop being able to breath. I have a nervous habit of cracking the bones in my neck, arms and legs. I also suffer from a strange sensation that when my hair follicles open on my arms, it hurts. I mean it really hurts like I'm being stabbed with a needle in the area. This is not nice on my arms but especially not on my chest either.
That's just the initial wranglings. When that feeling sets in I am not sure what way is up or down.
When I have a panic attack, I will literally be scared that at that moment, my life will end. I will get shooting pins and needles up each arm and into my face and chest. I will proceed to hyperventilate which generally requires me breathing in and out of a paper bag until after about 10 mins or so, my breathing returns to normal. I am then very drained both physically and emotionally but I return otherwise to normal.
I do not know why this happens. I wish I did and could rationalise it all away so that I never feel like this ever again. I know when it started...I was 17 when I had my first attack. It was so bad that my thumbs locked into my palms and I ended up in A&E on a bed with a paper bag and not knowing what the hell had happened to me. That was about 8 years ago and whilst their frequency waxes and wains, they have not left me yet.
I was on medication for 8 months for it as well. The tablets helped in the long run but I felt a lot more subdued on them, like there was part of me that made me Anthony Russell being inhabited. When I started on them, I was in such a bad place that I was afraid of the medication that was meant to help me because of the side effects. Imagine the most tired you have ever been and multiply it by 10 then factor in the tablets cause insomnia. That said, Star Trek the next generation at 3am on BBC2 kept me sane and stopped me going totally insane.
That said I have learned a lot about myself through it. It taught me that being a man is not about machismo filled rubbish but facing the fear that I have and trying to move forwards. I cannot look back and wonder why me about it because there is no reason to pinpoit why it happens to me or anyone else or why I had to take drugs for it for so many months. It serves no purpose and provides no answers.
I'm not doing this for a sympathy thing but I wanted to explain it. It just occurred to me that I never really had. This is who I am for now and what I am working to change that.
Panic and anxiety is part of who I am. I do not intend it to be this way forever but I want to explain what this is.
It is the part of me that when you look at me is afraid. I suffer from a feeling that I will drop down dead of a heart attack or a stroke or that I will catch meningitis or I will stop being able to breath. I have a nervous habit of cracking the bones in my neck, arms and legs. I also suffer from a strange sensation that when my hair follicles open on my arms, it hurts. I mean it really hurts like I'm being stabbed with a needle in the area. This is not nice on my arms but especially not on my chest either.
That's just the initial wranglings. When that feeling sets in I am not sure what way is up or down.
When I have a panic attack, I will literally be scared that at that moment, my life will end. I will get shooting pins and needles up each arm and into my face and chest. I will proceed to hyperventilate which generally requires me breathing in and out of a paper bag until after about 10 mins or so, my breathing returns to normal. I am then very drained both physically and emotionally but I return otherwise to normal.
I do not know why this happens. I wish I did and could rationalise it all away so that I never feel like this ever again. I know when it started...I was 17 when I had my first attack. It was so bad that my thumbs locked into my palms and I ended up in A&E on a bed with a paper bag and not knowing what the hell had happened to me. That was about 8 years ago and whilst their frequency waxes and wains, they have not left me yet.
I was on medication for 8 months for it as well. The tablets helped in the long run but I felt a lot more subdued on them, like there was part of me that made me Anthony Russell being inhabited. When I started on them, I was in such a bad place that I was afraid of the medication that was meant to help me because of the side effects. Imagine the most tired you have ever been and multiply it by 10 then factor in the tablets cause insomnia. That said, Star Trek the next generation at 3am on BBC2 kept me sane and stopped me going totally insane.
That said I have learned a lot about myself through it. It taught me that being a man is not about machismo filled rubbish but facing the fear that I have and trying to move forwards. I cannot look back and wonder why me about it because there is no reason to pinpoit why it happens to me or anyone else or why I had to take drugs for it for so many months. It serves no purpose and provides no answers.
I'm not doing this for a sympathy thing but I wanted to explain it. It just occurred to me that I never really had. This is who I am for now and what I am working to change that.
Welcome...this is panic
Ladies and gentlemen; This is Panic.
T.I.P. started as one crazy rambling on Facebook in May 2009. I am 24 and since the age of 17, panic attacks have been an unfortunate part of my life. They are something I am working on removing from my life and I am looking at ways to do that.
The original T.I.P post was me trying to do what makes me feel better, rationalise everything that happens to me in my head. The original This is Panic series of notes is an ongoing project that is helping me to do two important things:
1. To try and explain to people about something that people are scared to talk about; the impact that anxiety disorders, panic disorders, phobias and the like have on people and the ones they love.
2. It's a cathartic process for me. The more I think about this, the better I feel I understand me and my condition.
I don't want this to be about me but about all of us. Beating this condition is not just something I am doing but many people.
If you care for someone with attacks and want to explain what you've done, let me know. I want you to write for the blog.
If you suffer from attacks and want to vent your feelings and fears in a constructive and entertaining to read way, let me know. I want you to write for the blog.
If you are of a medical disposition and want to explain about the condition on a greater level in a way that will appeal to the masses, let me know. I want you to write for the blog.
This will never be a definitive guide on how to beat something that affects millions but if one person reads this and feels better about themselves because they feel that they are not crazy or alone then this is worth it.
This is Panic; it affects us but it will not define us.
T.I.P. started as one crazy rambling on Facebook in May 2009. I am 24 and since the age of 17, panic attacks have been an unfortunate part of my life. They are something I am working on removing from my life and I am looking at ways to do that.
The original T.I.P post was me trying to do what makes me feel better, rationalise everything that happens to me in my head. The original This is Panic series of notes is an ongoing project that is helping me to do two important things:
1. To try and explain to people about something that people are scared to talk about; the impact that anxiety disorders, panic disorders, phobias and the like have on people and the ones they love.
2. It's a cathartic process for me. The more I think about this, the better I feel I understand me and my condition.
I don't want this to be about me but about all of us. Beating this condition is not just something I am doing but many people.
If you care for someone with attacks and want to explain what you've done, let me know. I want you to write for the blog.
If you suffer from attacks and want to vent your feelings and fears in a constructive and entertaining to read way, let me know. I want you to write for the blog.
If you are of a medical disposition and want to explain about the condition on a greater level in a way that will appeal to the masses, let me know. I want you to write for the blog.
This will never be a definitive guide on how to beat something that affects millions but if one person reads this and feels better about themselves because they feel that they are not crazy or alone then this is worth it.
This is Panic; it affects us but it will not define us.
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